James & The Giant Peach Rhino Cloud

Every time I feel it I panic. It comes swooping in, stormy and scary. It feels like I’m running from that rhino cloud from James and the Giant Peach. Usually I go into full defense mode; like when you can feel a cold coming on and you start major immune boosting. I pop those Vitamin C supplements, drink some lemon ginger tea, take a bunch of emergen-c, and sleep more. It’s different with depression though, it comes in quick and dark. My hope staggers, my smiles fees forced. Sometimes I just stare into space and don’t know what’s happening in my head or around me. The tears flow more often, or I feel like an empty vessel, numb to anything good around me. Everything feels so very heavy, sitting on my chest, choking both words and joy from my body.

Oftentimes I can feel it coming, I get a few warning signs: I want to drink more, I crave running into the mountains, I get irritable quickly with others, and my nails get bitten to bloody stumps. So about a week out I can notice these things and I go to my coping place: I switch from coffee to tea, I go into journal mode, I look up inspirational quotes, I try and sleep more, I try my hardest to get into the mountains, or I’ll reach out to someone I trust. Usually everything goes smoothly, and I can keep the deep depression cloud at bay…until I can’t.

This is the hardest place to be, this is where the deep frustration and anger comes from. The shame cycle roots here and I start completely losing control. I unravel into a sad and numb mess. I get pissed that none of those "Be Happy" articles and books worked this time, I feel a deep weakness as a human being for not being able to control my happiness. It always hits me in surprising moments too, like the other day I was on a walk (trying to "make" myself happier) and I realized it’s been about 3 weeks of feeling so damn sad, and that’s when I really break. I officially accept that I’m deep in the trenches at this point, I couldn’t manage my depression wave and I’m currently laying on the ocean floor. I begin berating, angry at myself for not having a stronger shield. I begin floating above myself and analyzing what I did wrong, making lists on what to fix, how to bring myself out of this; tearing apart each thought, feeling, and action to analyze what’s happening and how I can feel better.

I fall into this analyzing mode to ignore my human parts, I know this. I’m constantly preaching to my clients, reminding them that they are doing their best, that depression and anxiety isn’t their fault, encouraging them to be gentle with their hearts and their waves. It makes me sad that these words and advice commonly lose their strength when I’m looking in the mirror during my worst moments.

I keep hoping that depression and anxiety will become check boxes, if I just keep "self-caring", staying positive, loving myself enough, eating healthy and working out regularly that it will stop. That it will just be moments that I will fight tooth and nail to get through and then they will be gone forever… and I am consistently humbled by how wrong I am. I am a firm believer in self-love, but especially for those that constantly feel like they are running uphill and holding all the heaviest things in your heart. Because no, it won’t go away, there will always be waves. There will be moments when you do fight back and push that depression a little farther away, and there will be moments when it sits on you, engulfing everything around you once again. When this happens, it’s important to know that this has NOTHING to do with your strength, there is nothing weak in you that failed or didn’t try hard enough. The only thing we owe to ourselves during these spinning days, these painful moments, is gentleness. We owe ourselves kindness for taking on a life-long battle with scary dark rhino clouds, and patience for our bodies and hearts while we consistently search for hope and light in this journey. We are nothing but strength, perseverance, and vessels of love.