Be Gentle With Yourself

I've been feeling extreme gratitude for my journey. I spoke to a friend about making intimate eye contact with yourself recently (yes, I know this sounds crazy). She said that sometimes staring into her eyes in the mirror gives her panic attacks...when she stated this I was overwhelmed with empathy and understanding. Only about a year ago when I was smothered in this self-love journey I would try and stare into my soul in the mirror and always end up on the floor hyperventilating and sobbing, scared of what I would see. Scared of who would be looking back at me. I was in such a fragile place in those months, unsure of who I was, and terrified to find out. Terrified to reach into my soul and forgive and heal the pain and wounds that were twisted into me. When you think about it we very rarely make eye contact with ourselves. We know the power of eye contact in relationships with others, the eyes are the mirror to the soul. But it's "weird" to just stare into your own

Though I am someone that majorly enjoys spending time outside alone, I also was haunted by some really irrational anxieties and fears. Solo camping: something I wanted to be able to do for years, and once I started doing it I would just torture my brain with images of Hills Have Eyes.. you know this one...  I was sure they were hiding in the woods around me waiting to rape and murder me. Also hiking: Wikipedia tells me that 20 people have died in North America due to mountain lions in the past 121 years and I've been CONVINCED over the past 3 years that I would be that 21st person. I was paralyzed by this fear. This was beyond frustrating to my stubborn soul. There were multiple hikes that resulted in me exiting the mountain early before getting to my goal due to the intense (made-up) fear circling through my body. Don't get me wrong, mountain lions are very real, and attacks are 100% possible. But I am a firm believer that fear shouldn't hold you back from doing what m

This semester has already proved to be INTENSE. I go back and forth from wanting to cry, scream, physically injure, or just crumble into a pile on my floor. There's been a lot of moments that I feel overwhelmed with what I'm doing, confused and questioning if  driving boxes of posters around, asking people for donations, and sitting on my bedroom floor for 8 hours stuffing packets is doing anything good for the World. Wondering if I am fulfilling my Social Work Masters role. Then, I watched the documentary "13th".. a documentary made by Ava DuVernay that explores the history of racial inequality in the United States, and especially focuses on the fact that the nation's prisons are disproportionately filled with African Americans .   While I watched this I had been on bedroom floor for 6 hours already filling 200 packets for my internship (I've now done 400+). My back hurt, my fingers were getting blisters, and I was having moments of frustration because th

You're the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning. Basically jumping up to the hope and excitement you had scheduled for me today. I practiced patience with you. My  skin was kissed by your lips. I was fueled by a deep connection under your gaze, a connection to the human souls around me, while sinking into your soul. It's been a solar day. A day to embrace light, willpower, optimism. While still appreciating and noticing Luna and the power of stillness, and embracing my aloneness.  I drove 5 hours with your face shining into mine, cursing the bumper to bumper traffic. While also feeling encouraged by your beauty. I got home and faceplanted in my bed, exhausted by the heat. the driving, the human filled highways. Then almost immediately found myself craving you, missing you, needing you. So I said goodnight to you on a walk, said thank you as you dove behind the foothills. Thanked you for the day of connection, hope, and awe. Thank you.

Christmas Eve 8 years ago I created this blog with the description "Tough Times Don't Last, Tough People Do" and when signing into this blog for the first time in 3 years I'm overwhelmed with emotion. It's crazy to have written proof of my journey, written proof of my yearning for hope from such a young age, and most importantly proof of my strength. I say that this past year of my life has been the hardest I have yet to experience, but I can honestly say that I think every year has been hard, and each year moving forward will just match that. I just believe I've reached a different level of awareness now, I've been on a journey for self-love, courage, and strength from the minute my heart beat into this crazy world. I've struggled with my identity for a long time, but this I know to be true. I am tough, and I am determined, and I will fight every single day to make it to the next.  Now, at 23 I am making the vow always live my truth, trust openly