Be Gentle With Yourself

Dear Shame, I’m trying to figure out why you keep coming back…or what to say to you when you’re there. I want to be loving and understanding; because love is the best defense right? But I’m also angry, my gut instinct is to put you in a corner and shame you right back.  You come out in bitten and bloody nails, the familiar crave of a cigarette flowing up to my lips. The purge of all things comforting. Little spirits coating my recycling bin. My leg taps over and over and over again, begging me to listen to its word. No patience, no empathy. Unable to hold the space for my monster as I do all those around me. What do I even say to you? I’ve been able to put the word "shame schema" to you for about 3 years now and it still makes no fucking sense.  What do you give me… Protection, disassociation, you rip me out of my body and into my mind. Enabling me to analyze and keep myself safe. It doesn't feel safe, it feels like you are sitting on my throat, throwing me ag

They are looking at me. I can feel everything about them, him, and her. I don't know why, Why are you sad? What's making you angry? Where does your pain come from? What do you need? Other than the connection, hope, and love that we all do. Is that it? They pull me towards them, or maybe it's me sprinting into their life and heart. Do I feel obligated to enter? Or maybe it's meaning. Or running from and to something to love and nurture. I don't know why. Why do I see someone on the sidewalk and immediately see the world through their eyes? I feel a bubble unwrap between us, or entrap us both together. This brief moment of interwoven-ness, is where everything I do matters because it will stick to them. Is it ego? A hope to impact someone else, to be one good moment of their day? Who hurt you? Who loves you? What are you thinking/feeling/hoping because your soul is screaming loudly at me. I don't know why, but I know it's important.