Skip to main content

Dear Shame

Dear Shame,

I’m trying to figure out why you keep coming back…or what to say to you when you’re there. I want to be loving and understanding; because love is the best defense right? But I’m also angry, my gut instinct is to put you in a corner and shame you right back. 

You come out in bitten and bloody nails, the familiar crave of a cigarette flowing up to my lips. The purge of all things comforting. Little spirits coating my recycling bin. My leg taps over and over and over again, begging me to listen to its word.

No patience, no empathy. Unable to hold the space for my monster as I do all those around me.

What do I even say to you? I’ve been able to put the word "shame schema" to you for about 3 years now and it still makes no fucking sense. 

What do you give me…

Protection, disassociation, you rip me out of my body and into my mind. Enabling me to analyze and keep myself safe. It doesn't feel safe, it feels like you are sitting on my throat, throwing me against a wall, abusing me with your silent words and disgusting behavior. It feels like once again I’m not good enough, it feels like you'll follow me everywhere. 

How do I love and accept you, when if I let you go, I in turn end up in fist fights with myself? 

I FUCKING HEAR YOU!  You’re like a bug, sitting on my brain whispering in my ear "drink" "smoke" "purge" "DO ANYTHING BUT CUT" "if you cut you fail". 

There must be something you give me because you're there through it all. You've changed over the years though, you're quieter. You still whisper cigarette, shots, cut, purge, and sometimes I do. But you don't get to be stronger anymore when I say yes to those whispers. 

Love,

Sarah 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Day With The Sun

You're the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning. Basically jumping up to the hope and excitement you had scheduled for me today. I practiced patience with you. My  skin was kissed by your lips. I was fueled by a deep connection under your gaze, a connection to the human souls around me, while sinking into your soul. It's been a solar day. A day to embrace light, willpower, optimism. While still appreciating and noticing Luna and the power of stillness, and embracing my aloneness.  I drove 5 hours with your face shining into mine, cursing the bumper to bumper traffic. While also feeling encouraged by your beauty. I got home and faceplanted in my bed, exhausted by the heat. the driving, the human filled highways. Then almost immediately found myself craving you, missing you, needing you. So I said goodnight to you on a walk, said thank you as you dove behind the foothills. Thanked you for the day of connection, hope, and awe. Thank you.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Orange Reminder

12/25/09 The orange ring lays against fragile skin. A constant reminder of the pain and sorrow...also a memory of endurance and gain. 30 beads each with different meaning..circles the wrist while never ending. The hurt and denial expressed with each glance, anxiety and guilt overwhelm when its gone. without those orange beads meaning is lost, and emptiness fills.
Post a Comment
Read more

Is It Empathy?

They are looking at me. I can feel everything about them, him, and her. I don't know why, Why are you sad? What's making you angry? Where does your pain come from? What do you need? Other than the connection, hope, and love that we all do. Is that it? They pull me towards them, or maybe it's me sprinting into their life and heart. Do I feel obligated to enter? Or maybe it's meaning. Or running from and to something to love and nurture. I don't know why. Why do I see someone on the sidewalk and immediately see the world through their eyes? I feel a bubble unwrap between us, or entrap us both together. This brief moment of interwoven-ness, is where everything I do matters because it will stick to them. Is it ego? A hope to impact someone else, to be one good moment of their day? Who hurt you? Who loves you? What are you thinking/feeling/hoping because your soul is screaming loudly at me. I don't know why, but I know it's important.
Post a Comment
Read more