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A Teenager to her Father

I wish I could go back.
Back to when I was falling asleep on you at church, with you gently playing with my hair.
Drifting in and out as the preacher's words float around my head.

 I wish we were back there.
Back to the innocence and simplicity of life.
Back to when I was your pure perfect angel...unable to cause harm.

 I wish we didn't have to fight.
About curfew and boys.
About right and wrong.

 I wish we weren't so similar.
Stubborn and persistent.
Caring and opinionated.

 I wish we weren't so different.
"Good versus Bad"
My hatred for confrontation, and your love of expression.

 I wish you were my best friend.
Calling you when I'm caught.
Asking you for advice and homework help.

 I wish I didn't screw up.
Or let you down over and over again.
I wish I hadn't bruised and broken your image of me.

 I wish you still looked at me with hope.
I wish the disappointment would leave your eyes.
I wish I still made you smile,
and never made you cry
I wish you still gave prayers of gratitude for a daughter like me,
instead of asking God what you did wrong.
I wish you didn't feel shame for my actions,
and still felt proud of me
I wish you didn't blame yourself for my destruction...

 I wish I could make things right again, just go back to those Sunday mornings in church...but instead I sit here, writing this, wondering how in the world it has come to this. How I let you down so many times that the hope has drained from your eyes, how I've let us drift so far, and how IVE messed up so badly that YOU feel like the failure. 

 I wish that when I looked into your eyes I still felt like I could achieve anything, and that no matter what, your love for me was unbreakable. And I wish so badly that in your eyes I was still your flawless miraculous princess.

 I'm so sorry dad..

Written October 13, 2011 as a senior in high school. 

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