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Dear Shame

Dear Shame,

I’m trying to figure out why you keep coming back…or what to say to you when you’re there. I want to be loving and understanding; because love is the best defense right? But I’m also angry, my gut instinct is to put you in a corner and shame you right back. 

You come out in bitten and bloody nails, the familiar crave of a cigarette flowing up to my lips. The purge of all things comforting. Little spirits coating my recycling bin. My leg taps over and over and over again, begging me to listen to its word.

No patience, no empathy. Unable to hold the space for my monster as I do all those around me.

What do I even say to you? I’ve been able to put the word "shame schema" to you for about 3 years now and it still makes no fucking sense. 

What do you give me…

Protection, disassociation, you rip me out of my body and into my mind. Enabling me to analyze and keep myself safe. It doesn't feel safe, it feels like you are sitting on my throat, throwing me against a wall, abusing me with your silent words and disgusting behavior. It feels like once again I’m not good enough, it feels like you'll follow me everywhere. 

How do I love and accept you, when if I let you go, I in turn end up in fist fights with myself? 

I FUCKING HEAR YOU!  You’re like a bug, sitting on my brain whispering in my ear "drink" "smoke" "purge" "DO ANYTHING BUT CUT" "if you cut you fail". 

There must be something you give me because you're there through it all. You've changed over the years though, you're quieter. You still whisper cigarette, shots, cut, purge, and sometimes I do. But you don't get to be stronger anymore when I say yes to those whispers. 

Love,

Sarah 



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