Every time I feel it I panic. It comes swooping in, stormy
and scary. It feels like I’m running from that rhino cloud from James and the
Giant Peach. Usually I go into full defense mode; like when you can feel a cold
coming on and you start major immune boosting. I pop those Vitamin C supplements,
drink some lemon ginger tea, take a bunch of emergen-c, and sleep more. It’s
different with depression though, it comes in quick and dark. My hope staggers,
my smiles fees forced. Sometimes I just stare into space and don’t know what’s
happening in my head or around me. The tears flow more often, or I feel like an
empty vessel, numb to anything good around me. Everything feels so very heavy, sitting
on my chest, choking both words and joy from my body.
Oftentimes I can feel it coming, I get a few warning signs:
I want to drink more, I crave running into the mountains, I get irritable quickly
with others, and my nails get bitten to bloody stumps. So about a week out I
can notice these things and I go to my coping place: I switch from coffee to
tea, I go into journal mode, I look up inspirational quotes, I try and sleep
more, I try my hardest to get into the mountains, or I’ll reach out to someone
I trust. Usually everything goes smoothly, and I can keep the deep depression cloud
at bay…until I can’t.
This is the hardest place to be, this is where the deep
frustration and anger comes from. The shame cycle roots here and I start completely
losing control. I unravel into a sad and numb mess. I get pissed that none of
those "Be Happy" articles and books worked this time, I feel a deep weakness as
a human being for not being able to control my happiness. It always hits me in
surprising moments too, like the other day I was on a walk (trying to "make"
myself happier) and I realized it’s been about 3 weeks of feeling so damn sad,
and that’s when I really break. I officially accept that I’m deep in the trenches
at this point, I couldn’t manage my depression wave and I’m currently laying on
the ocean floor. I begin berating, angry at myself for not having a stronger
shield. I begin floating above myself and analyzing what I did wrong, making
lists on what to fix, how to bring myself out of this; tearing apart each
thought, feeling, and action to analyze what’s happening and how I can feel
better.
I fall into this analyzing mode to ignore my human parts, I
know this. I’m constantly preaching to my clients, reminding them that they are
doing their best, that depression and anxiety isn’t their fault, encouraging
them to be gentle with their hearts and their waves. It makes me sad that these
words and advice commonly lose their strength when I’m looking in the mirror
during my worst moments.
I keep hoping that depression and anxiety will become check
boxes, if I just keep "self-caring", staying positive, loving myself enough,
eating healthy and working out regularly that it will stop. That it will just
be moments that I will fight tooth and nail to get through and then they will
be gone forever… and I am consistently humbled by how wrong I am. I am a firm
believer in self-love, but especially for those that constantly feel like they
are running uphill and holding all the heaviest things in your heart. Because no,
it won’t go away, there will always be waves. There will be moments when you do
fight back and push that depression a little farther away, and there will be
moments when it sits on you, engulfing everything around you once again. When
this happens, it’s important to know that this has NOTHING to do with your strength,
there is nothing weak in you that failed or didn’t try hard enough. The only
thing we owe to ourselves during these spinning days, these painful moments, is
gentleness. We owe ourselves kindness for taking on a life-long battle with
scary dark rhino clouds, and patience for our bodies and hearts while we
consistently search for hope and light in this journey. We are nothing but strength,
perseverance, and vessels of love.
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