Skip to main content

A Teenager to her Father

 I wish I could go back.

Back to when I was falling asleep on you at church, with you gently playing with my hair.
Drifting in and out as the preacher's words float around my head.

I wish we were back there.
Back to the innocence and simplicity of life.
Back to when I was your pure perfect angel...unable to cause harm.

I wish we didn't have to fight.
About curfew and boys.
About right and wrong.

I wish we weren't so similar.
Stubborn and persistent.
Caring and opinionated.

I wish we weren't so different.
"Good versus Bad"
My hatred for confrontation, and your love of expression.

I wish you were my best friend.
Calling you when I'm caught.
Asking you for advice and homework help.

I wish I didn't screw up.
Or let you down over and over again.
I wish I hadn't bruised and broken your image of me.

I wish you still looked at me with hope.
I wish the disappointment would leave your eyes.
I wish I still made you smile,
and never made you cry
I wish you still gave prayers of gratitude for a daughter like me,
instead of asking God what you did wrong.
I wish you didn't feel shame for my actions,
and still felt proud of me
I wish you didn't blame yourself for my destruction...

I wish I could make things right again, just go back to those Sunday mornings in church...but instead I sit here, writing this, wondering how in the world it has come to this. How I let you down so many times that the hope has drained from your eyes, how I've let us drift so far, and how IVE messed up so badly that YOU feel like the failure. 

I wish that when I looked into your eyes I still felt like I could achieve anything, and that no matter what, your love for me was unbreakable. And I wish so badly that in your eyes I was still your flawless miraculous princess.

I'm so sorry dad..



Written October 13, 2011 as a senior in high school

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Orange Reminder

12/25/09 The orange ring lays against fragile skin. A constant reminder of the pain and sorrow...also a memory of endurance and gain. 30 beads each with different meaning..circles the wrist while never ending. The hurt and denial expressed with each glance, anxiety and guilt overwhelm when its gone. without those orange beads meaning is lost, and emptiness fills.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Hills Have Eyes & Mountain Lions

Though I am someone that majorly enjoys spending time outside alone, I also was haunted by some really irrational anxieties and fears. Solo camping: something I wanted to be able to do for years, and once I started doing it I would just torture my brain with images of Hills Have Eyes.. you know this one...  I was sure they were hiding in the woods around me waiting to rape and murder me. Also hiking: Wikipedia tells me that 20 people have died in North America due to mountain lions in the past 121 years and I've been CONVINCED over the past 3 years that I would be that 21st person. I was paralyzed by this fear. This was beyond frustrating to my stubborn soul. There were multiple hikes that resulted in me exiting the mountain early before getting to my goal due to the intense (made-up) fear circling through my body. Don't get me wrong, mountain lions are very real, and attacks are 100% possible. But I am a firm believer that fear shouldn't hold you back from doing what m...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Pair of Spray Painted Feet

We met through Steve and Peter. From the very beginning I knew I loved him. I knew he was going to be my best friend. The first time I cried in front of him sealed the deal. He knew almost everything about me. He knew my scars, my flaws, my triumphs, he knew me better than I let most. Summer 2013 was an unforgettable one. Not necessarily in a cheerful sort of way, but better than I always remember.He got me through that summer, as well as another. He stood by me while I constantly slipped on and off the curb. Supporting me, yet warning me about the swallowing pits through which I was treading. Spring 2014. You're gone and I feel regret. I wasn't the friend you were to me the past 4 months and I should have been by your side shining the light for your way. Kyle- Thank you for everything you've helped me be. For everything you've carried me through. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you this past semester, I regret every second. You are such an incredible person a...
Post a Comment
Read more