Be Gentle With Yourself

11/5/10 You are a shadow. Continually hovering, suffocating my faith. Holding me down from believing. To escape you, I try running. Hide and seek that never ends. Blind to that light, that ability of release. Too far away, help, I'm beginning to stray. Free me of your presence, LEAVE ME ALONE! But alone I fear, the unknown and hopelessness. Being lost once again... Is It Worth Being Found?

11/14/10 I Tried. To Free your fails. To Fight your demons. To Bury your fears. I Hoped. To Hold your love. To Emerge your hopes. To Treasure your faith. I Failed. I Failed to see. I Failed to let go. I Failed to protect. I Failed You...

6/4/10 She trusted him more than anyone. Trusted him with her heart, her soul....her hope. He broke down her walls, helped heal that faulty piece. Now it changes..back to doubt, fear, and anger. It wasn't supposed to happen! It wasn't okay to take it back! It wasn't supposed to be okay! Other emotions mask his courage...only an object she became. An object that saw light, honesty, and faith.. but now filled with doubt and losing it all. This single object became lost, scared, and hopeless all over again. Now she appears an object, even to herself. Blocked from feeling, blocked from change, locked down from EVER OPENING UP AGAIN.

6/2/10 BATTERED BRUISED BROKEN my soul is lost. Lost in the pain, lost in the memories, lost in the fear All just faded into the black abyss The control is gone once again Hands pinning Bodies crushing Lips stealing The trust is broken. Emotions hidden. The wall is up, blocking. All that is left is all but battered bruised and broken

1/1/10 Through the dark, looking for light. Everything is empty after that night. No meaning, no smiles. Just heartache, regret. Eyes blind to see. Ears deaf to noise. Lips cut off from taste. Pain and confusion match my blank soul. Give me a meaning. Give me some hope. Give me something true. .........something honest and right. The past is gone..but in truth it is not. That one regret hovers...never forget.

12/26/09 I'm slowly falling.... .... .... deeper and deeper it gets. once clear and visible is not black and suffocating. the shadows of bricks pull at my feet, weighing down faster and faster. in the blink of an eye it's tomorrow, blinding me as if a dream. blind to the love and light surrounding me either by choice... or not... i push away. keep my eyes open and breath but the falling never ends.

12/30/09 The skin opens, and the beasts are released. She sighs in relief. The beast of anger, sadness, and sorry. The beast of guilt, hurt, and regret The beast of pain, loss, and brokenness. ...they bring such a mess. To quiet that monster she cuts, it is able to escape. When nothing is felt what else is there...? Except to make sure the outside feelings are there too. They take control of her brain and her heart...leaving only the pain. She struggles to gain some way to hide all this shame. The search for control is failing...all she can do is give in. Those few minutes of pain fills her whole once again. These few minutes she achieves that control. The wounds will heal, the scabs will scar. The cycle seems like a line, until those beasts push again. And it becomes a circle and she begins once more..

12/20/09 Dreamland is the safe place. Safe from myself, safe from the blade. A place of warmth and protection. Different from the basic, nothing hidden, and no lies. I am myself, the fiction battle verse the reality. Anything is possible, fantasy and hope are alive behind the shutters of my eyes. I escape the lies, the cries, and the cuts... and jump back to Dreamland.

12/25/09 The orange ring lays against fragile skin. A constant reminder of the pain and sorrow...also a memory of endurance and gain. 30 beads each with different meaning..circles the wrist while never ending. The hurt and denial expressed with each glance, anxiety and guilt overwhelm when its gone. without those orange beads meaning is lost, and emptiness fills.

12/24/09 An angel by her side in all that she does. Protects, guides, and strengthens. When alone, the girl is lost and afraid. As a conscience watching over her, one example she never had. It heals her wounds, and sews up the holes. The long nights when unable to drift into dreamland, the girl speaks with the angel, whispers her wishes. Asking for strength...praying for a new morning of hope.